Back in the 1970s, Pingry students “didn’t talk about their feelings [and] share their emotions,” Anne DeLaney ’79 told students prior to the 2025 Gilbert H. Carver ’79 Memorial Lecture, named for her brother Gibb. Gibb’s mother died from cancer during his sophomore year, and he struggled with his sexual identity, leading to feelings of being “very alone”. He ultimately took his life, and his family honored his memory by establishing this lecture series. And today, Pingry very much wants its students to talk about their feelings, share their emotions, and say “I need help”, with the support of CAST (the Counseling and Academic Support Team).
This year’s speaker, Kristen H. from Minding Your Mind (a nonprofit organization dedicated to ending mental health stigma through education), shared her story of needing help. On the surface, she lived a typical childhood, but was hiding a “big secret” and wanted to present a “perfect version” of herself at school, as if wearing a mask. That secret: no matter how close she was with her mom, and no matter how good a day they might have had, Kristen felt responsible for her mom’s addiction. Aside from playing sports and studying hard, there was nothing more that she needed or wanted than for her mom to be well, but she couldn’t control it. And echoing what Ms. DeLaney said in her opening remarks, Kristen said that she didn’t tell anyone at school “because of the stigma . . . our motto was ‘what happens in this household stays in this household’.”
December 6, 2009 is a date etched in Kristen’s memory because that was the day her mom died by suicide. She was in Grade 6 and decided to go to school two days later because she was afraid that people would judge her if they found out, and because, “deep down”, she wanted the students to find out so she would not have to go to school “with a mask on” anymore. She could be herself.
After her mom’s suicide, Kristen’s life changed. From the family perspective, her father (who had traveled frequently for work) and brothers were home more often. But from the personal perspective, Kristen felt “like I needed to get through it on my own”—relying heavily on telling everyone “I’m fine”—and struggled with depression and anxiety.
Because she was trying to keep all of her feelings internal and unspoken, the depression and anxiety led to three negative coping skills: isolation, self-harm, and substance abuse. And Kristen hastened to tell the audience, “Negative coping skills don’t make us feel better—they actually prolong our pain.” Her family relationships became worse. She sought help from nine therapists and a treatment center by age 17. She wanted the pain to end . . . but she lied to the therapists about her pain and what she was doing.
February 9, 2015 is another date etched in Kristen’s memory because an unexpected moment with her dad changed everything. He told her that he couldn’t change anything that had happened in her life, but he could change how he showed up for her. She broke down and told him that she needed help. With that, he took her to a treatment center that saved her life (she suspects that he was going to take her anyway). Upon walking in the door, Kristen was told, “This is the first day of the rest of your life—you just don’t know it yet.”
From that moment, Kristen changed the patterns of her behavior by relying on activities that helped her get her emotions out, whether by walking, exercising, writing, reading, talking on the phone, or talking to trusted adults. Twenty-eight days at treatment turned into six months; her family relationships improved; she continued therapy; she changed high schools; she was accepted to Penn State; and she excelled in college—in fact, Kristen was asked to be the Commencement speaker at her graduation.
This past February 10, 2025 marked 10 years of Kristen being clean and sober, at age 27, and she is now engaged. Does she still have bad days? Yes. Does she still have depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes. “But the way that I navigate it is different today—I talk about it, I write about it, I speak that into existence so I don’t need to carry it alone.”
The Gilbert H. Carver ’79 Memorial Lecture was established in memory of Gilbert Carver, Class of 1979, by his father Calvin and stepmother June Carver, his sister Marcey Carver, his brother Chip Carver, Jr., Class of 1977, and Chip’s wife Anne DeLaney, Class of 1979. This lecture series supports open dialogue on self-esteem and acceptance and—thanks to its supporters—will continue in perpetuity.
Contact: Greg Waxberg ’96, Assistant Director of Communications, Writer/Editor