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Middle School Student-Led Conferences

Greetings from the Middle School!  Here for your consideration from Middle School Director Tamara Schurdak are specific steps and suggestions for parents and guardians as you prepare for your child's conference:
 

  • Read your child’s comments from their teachers. I often read them with two highlighters, one to highlight skills that are working, and a second to highlight suggestions for the upcoming trimester. If you can, ask your child to review their comments in this way before the conference.
     
  • If your child is disappointed by some element of their performance, ask them what they want to do about it. Although it is tempting to intervene right away, let your child guide you. This is no easy task, particularly when they are upset. As Jessica Lahey writes in The Gift of Failure, “The way isn't smooth, and the going certainly isn't easy, but that’s kind of the point. We parents are going to have to step back, leave those scary obstacles in the road, and allow our children to face them head-on. Given our support, love, and a lot of restraint, our kids can learn how to engineer their own solutions and pave their way toward success that is truly of their own making.”
     
  • Your child has identified goals. What do you think of those goals? (In middle school, in particular, there is an opportunity to learn the process that leads to achievement. How can you help identify those goals? This may mean that you disagree with your child’s goals. If you consider whether others might be useful, try to narrow to one or two. These goals can be a great discussion in the conference.) Angela Duckworth, author and co-founder of Character Lab, a nonprofit whose mission is to advance scientific insights that help children thrive, found that the ability to attend to a task and stick to long-term goals is the greatest predictor of success — greater than achievement, extracurricular involvement, test scores, and IQ. This conference is asking students to think critically about their work, to set goals, and to state the steps that will allow them to reach those goals.
     
  • We ultimately want your child to have a growth mindset, and that approach only works if it is coupled with learning effective effort. The student-led conference can be an opportunity for your child to build their definition of effective effort — in conjunction with you and their advisor.
     
  • Your child wants to do well and wants to please you. They will attempt to understand your emotions and your message at the same time, as they do not always see these as the same thing. Consider talking in a place where your child can sit beside you (in the car, in a coffee shop, on a walk). Try to notice when your child’s coping strategies have expired. They may become emotional (frustrated, anxious) or additionally loud or quiet. At that point, the conversation may no longer be productive, and it is okay to have the discussion come to a close, particularly if you also feel your own reaction to their action/inaction.
     
  • What are the expectations you want to uphold as a parent? Be clear about those. (Your children may fight you on it, but trust me that they appreciate having a few guidelines that they know will be enforced consistently!) What are your worries? How can you address these? It can be challenging when you are concerned. How can you ask the advisor or teacher how to help build skills in your child? How can you ask your child to identify what they want? As with most everything as parents, this is easier said than done.
     
  • Although the conference is student-led, we are not asking you to step aside. We know that you have hopes and fears (and more!) of your own, and that you are  committed to your child’s growth. Engage these conferences and conversations with that goal in mind.